What's up with that
It's over
Where are you dad
Mum's lookin' sad
What's up with that
It's dark in here
Why, bleeding is breathing
You're hiding underneath the smoke in the room
Try, bleeding is believing
I used to
My mouth is dry
Forgot how to cry
What's up with that
You're hurting me
I'm running fast
Can't hide the past
What's up with that
You're pushing me"
--Natalie Imbruglia, "Smoke"
I had my diary reviewed recently. It made me feel rather giddy, reading the comments that were put down for my writing style and content. You can see it here. And props to the reviewer, Xilia for being a superb reviewer and giving me such a great score! [I got 90 out of 100, yay!]
Someone loves me. ::sniff:: She even added me to her buddy list. I'm thinkin about taking a peek at her diary too, just to see what sort of genius was impressed by my works.
Oh, I have just remembered something (that I don't know why I forgot). I added a couple of entries right before this one, 101 Things About Me and a Cast List for the people that most often appear in my diary. The encyclopedia that I mentioned awhile ago will also be coming soon, but that is still in the makings. It's a bit more work than the other two.
You know, there are a few things that the news has been circling around later that I think are rather silly. Now I don't like silly.
Actually, I do. that was just a Monty Python moment.
The really is only one thing (as I drip salsa down my chin because I am trying to eat the chips and dip one-handed) that I want to talk about, that being Kobe Bryant. Who the hell cares? I mean, it's tragic that a role model such as Kobe would do something like that, but really. It's none of our business, and I think the media should stay out of his personal life. Then again, I said the same thing about Bill Clinton. If he wanted to be fucking Monica on the side, it is not the American people's business. Maybe he just wasn't getting any from Hilary. Who knows?
Well, then there is also the gay Episcopalian (I hope I spelled that right...?). i think it's absolutely wonderful that this man had the courage to not only be openly gay in the church, but also get himself elected as a bishop. And I think that people making a big fuss over it is absolutely stupid. Do they really think that he is the only gay bishop? Sure, he's the only openly gay bishop, but honestly. I'm sure there are more bishops out there who are gay. I don't think it really matters; if they perform their duties (outside the bedroom) well, and aren't trying to convert people to being homosexual (that would be a riot. I can just see the headlines: Gay Bishop Seeks Followers) then it should be okay. Is that what they're afraid of, I wonder? Their bishop trying to influence people? Or maybe the only reason is that they simply view homosexuality as a sin? I dunno.
I don't think you can "convert" someone to being gay. They're either gay or their not. But maybe I'm wrong. Watch me turn into a lesbian now.
Actually, my mom had an interesting talk with me the other day. She said that she's afraid for me, because I have been hanging out with several homoesexual/bisexual citzens lately. Not only because all they ever talk about is sex, but because:
"I don't want them to talk you into anything," she said.
I informed her that I like Brandon far too much for that, and even if I didn't have Brandon then I would still adore the male race too much. Girls drive me insane.
My mother also said this: "I don't think people are really bisexual. I think they are just greedy. You're either gay, or you're not. there's no maybe, there's no gray area. 'Bisexual' people are just after sex, and they need it from everyone."
Ahhh! I just got salt in my eye from the corn chips! Yet I am still sitting here typing!! ITAI!!!!
I had an interesting day yesterday. It seemed like five days crammed into one. I had to wake up early (around 7:30 -_-;;) so that I could go with Brandon to a service for his great grandmother, who just passed away. I almost started crying myself; it reminded me of the funerals that I have already attended this summer, and who was in them. But I wanted to be there for Brandon, as he often is for me. And I'm glad I was able to.
Afterwards, we went to his grandma's house and had a bit of lunch, then stayed at his house for a bit of time before heading back up to Ankeny. On the way we stopped at the mall, and I bought myself a new bellybutton ring (finally). It has a little devil on it.
After that, we really didn't do much except stay at my house. Although the day's activities were limited, it still felt as though it was a long, tiring day that should have lasted a week. Maybe I'm just not used to getting up early.
hmm...two day old raspberry iced tea....Not bad. Not bad at all.
I had something else to talk about, I know I did....dammit, i can't remember it now.
I remember!!
Well, you see, there is a certain female by the name of Ashley that has been of some annoyance to me. I'll start from the beginning, and tell you only parts of the story that you need to know to understand what I am talking about.
Ashley was a cast member in the last play that Brandon did a couple of months ago, The Sound of Music. In the play she got to kiss Brandon, which at first didn't bother me. Brandon asked if it would be all right, and I said yes. Then it came to light that Miss Ashley developed a rather large crush on Brandon, and was quite determined to date him. At this point I came to be a little weary of the kiss, but I didn't want to go back on what I had already said and I kept my mouth shut.
A couple of things happened that made it even worse for me. The first occurance happened a couple of weeks after she confessed that she liked him. Brandon was staying the weekend at my house, as always, and on Saturday morning he left saying that he had to go to his sister's final choral concert. I said fine, okay, and he came back later in the day. All was well until I talked to his sister the following Monday. I asked how her concert had went, only to find that, lo and behold, she didn't have a concert. She not only informed me of this, but also included that Brandon had gone to "some girl named Ashley's concert".
I was absolutely livid, as well as hurt perhaps more than I should have been. I was shocked, however, that he had lied to me and wondered exactly why. I wouldn't have cared if he had told the truth to begin with. I would have been jealous,yes, but not hurt and angry.
We got through that little snag, obviously, and all was well for a little while at least. Well, other than that fact that every time Brandon even mentioned Ashley I got very tense and angry. But I digress...
Once the play was finished, it seemed as though Ashley had developed a crush on one of the other male cast members, and for a time left Brandon alone. But then she started her old shenanigans once more, and I tried to tell Brandon that she was still head over heels for him. he wouldn't believe me, even though she called him constantly and sent him e-mails hinting VERY loudly that she wished to be with him. Finally, Brandon took my word for it and talked to her. She admitted that she did still have feelings for him. he told her that he was still with me, etc. etc. I thought that would be the end of it. But nooooo.
For one, the e-mails continued. Brandon often checks his e-mail at my house, so I would be sitting with him and those e-mails and hints would be staring me right in the face, taunting me.
I was up late one day, not able to sleep after seeing a particularly straight-forward e-mail written by Miss Ashley. I came to the conclusion, perhaps falsely, that I should try and talk to her and get to know her instead of loathing her based on the fact that she wanted Brandon to herself. And, after seeing her e-mail address so many times, it stuck in my mind. So I added her to my MSN buddy list, and the next day she finally signed on for our little chat. She didn't remember who I was, as I had only met her once, and so I said, "I'm Brandon's girlfriend," to clear up the misunderstanding.
Then she said it.
"Oh, you two are still dating?"
::twitch::
"I thought you broke up during the play."
If I was livid before, I was absolutely homicidal now. And in tears, to boot. See, by my paranoid way of thinking, if she had thought that brandon and I had broken up over a month before that time, then obviously Brandon never mentioned me or anything of that sort any time that she stressed wanting to be with him. Now, i would have thought that would have come up since I would hope I am a good reason not to date her. It seemed almost like he was trying to hide the fact that he was dating me, like he was ashamed of me or something. Once again, this is by my self-critical, paranoid way of thinking.
I called Brandon and left him a message, and when he called me back the next day I proceeded to thoroughly bitch him out. This was one of those situations where Brandon and myself are wildly different; if I was in his position, I would have bitched right back and gotten defensive. Not Brandon. He apologized, and explained that he didn't realixe that Ashley had that idea in her head. He didn't know where she got that idea, either; he hadn't talked to her much either, he said.
As if she thought I was lying, Ashley called Brandon that weekend and asked if it was true.
Well, for the most part, Ashley started to back off after that. But for whatever reason, I still feel incredibly threatened, insecure, and downright angry when I hear about her in any way. For instance, when brandon and I were at the mall yesterday Ashley called him, and I knew it was her even before he said it was. Why? Well, I don't really know how to describe it except that Brandon has a certain tone of voice he tends to use when talking to Ashley. So I got angry, threatened, pissy, etc. And, as stupid as I feel for admitting this, I felt like crying. There were a couple of times where I found it quite convenient to just stare out the window, because my eyes were tearing up and I didn't want to look like a stupid baby. I don't know what it is about her that rubs me the wrong way to such an extent. I mean, if it were any other girl I really wouldn't care. I didn't feel this threatened by Laura when she liked him. I don't know...maybe it's that sometimes it seems like maybe Ashley would be a better match, for whatever reason. Or maybe because she's prettier than me. or more outgoing. Or more talented. I dunno. I thought at first that maybe it was because she had gotten to kiss him that got me most riled up. But no, that's not it, because I know that he had kissed Laura before, too [not while we were dating, mind you]. I don't know...something about her just pushes the exact wrong buttons. And I feel so stupid, because now I feel like the stereotypical, possesive, bitchy jealous girlfriend.
Brandon offered to cease all contact with Ashley, but I said no. She is his friend, and as threatened and paranoid as I feel when it comes to Ashley, I wouldn't want to do that to her.
I hate being a girl. I hate feeling this way. I trust Brandon, I really do. And it seems like I am already contradicting myself, because I still feel upset. It's an awful mix between paranoia, depression, anger...and a multitude of other things that make my stomach hurt just thinking about them.
I hate being a girl.
Oreo