Where does my incessant bitching and griping actually do? What does it change, who does it even affect? It's not as though I accomplish anything. And then, of course, there are times when I think that perhaps my opinion should matter, but it doesn't. Those are the times that hurt the most, perhaps. I know that he's independent, probably more than I. But I hold his opinions and thoughts in such high regard, I always have to have them and to know what he is thinking...it feels as though sometimes he couldn't give a rat's ass either way as to what my opinion is. Perhaps that's an over-exaggeration. Maybe I'm still sore about the swimming party.
He detests the thought of anyone seeing my body, but it's different with his?
I've been so malcontent lately. Maybe it's PMS, maybe it's just the fact that I don't see him that often. I just...I have so many fears and doubts lately. It's seems as though we have gotten to the stage of the relationship where we feel we don't really need to compliment the other person, because they already know what it is that we feel. Or so we like to believe.
I suppose the one discomfort that I have had for months is the fact that he is so independent. It isn't so much that he's more independent than I am, I suppose, it's just that we have such different ways of expressing ourselves. I'm loud and boisterous when it comes to expressing myself, growing up in the household that I have. Brandon, on the other hand, keeps everything to himself. Live and let live, he says. That's the way he grew up, and it's been a hard thing for me to adjust to. When he doesn't tell me something, such as whether or not he's happy, I worry and start to form my own conclusions. That rarely works. I'm not sure why I'm complaining, I realize that's the way he is and I accept it. I may never get him to open up to me, and while that's hard I'm sure I can survive. We'll call this all ventilation.
There are times when I will say something to Brandon to which he has no answer. For instance, I told him tonight that it felt like in certain situations, my thoughts/feelings didn't really account for even a pile of horse puckey. I was hoping that perhaps he would reassure me, or answer me in some fashion, but he said nothing. I also tend to interpret silence in the worst way possible.
I understand that Brandon's overly independent, and if I ever was to say, "You can't do this," it would only lead to a bloody war and he would do it anyway. Maybe I would be the same way, if he were to tell me I couldn't do something. But at the same time, I still ask him, "Are you okay with this?" if one of my actions may be questionable. I didn't go to Rocky because he wasn't comfortable with me being there without Britt with me.
I don't know what the hell I'm talking about anymore. I think I'm going to allow myself the same escape I did last night: once I get it all figured out, I'll let you know.
-----a few minutes later-----
I feel like such a terrible, horrible, bitchy girlfriend now. Brandon called my cell phone only moments ago and left me a message to tell me how much he loves me, how beautiful he thinks that I am, and how great it was to see me. I started crying.
Why do I have so many complaints? He's a wonderful man, without question. I love him, no doubt. I just...I can't stop thinking about these little, seemingly insignificant things. I'm afraid to tell him about them all, however, because I don't want him to feel as though I am attacking him or trying to pick him apart. I'm sure I do some things he doesn't particularly like.
God, I'm such a fucking hypocrite. And a self-serving pissant, to boot.
Why can't I let myself be happy?
Malcontent
-----A few more minutes later-----
I have it figured out. I know why I feel these things. They are partially true, yes, and they do bother me some. But they are also a defense mechanism. I will explain more tomorrow.