And, just to let you know, that was extreme sarcasm. I have had a couple of the worst weeks I have had in a long time. Some may know what fun things that means for my self-image. anyway...I don't want to go too in-depth into the story, because that would be dreadfully boring, as well as get me angry again...and that is the last thing I need.
To warn you in advance, I am going to be ranting something awful, so there may be instances of insults, foul language, etc. etc. But I really need to get this all off of my chest before I explode on someone that *doesn't* deserve it. And, as always, I am definitely not looking for sympathy or criticism (which would most likely be, after all of this is over, "You're such a bitch..." lol. But hey, I have heard that enough that I'm starting to believe it. What am I talking about? I do believe it.) Anyway, this whole ordeal that I am about to explain is the reason I have written in this -beautiful- piece of work for awhile. I just wasn't up to it..but I'm starting to feel happier now. At least slightly. "Gotta put on my face, the one that's gonna get me through another day." Anywho...here's my life story. Lol. at least some of it.
My best friend, up until last week I suppose, was Allie. her and I met sometime in Kindergarten, when I tied her shoes for her. Sentimental, yes. Worth diddly-squat now. We hung out and played with Barbies, like many other little girls of our day, until about second grade. I moved to the other side of town, and while we still were good friends and saw each other pretty often, we lost contact. During those couple years that I went to Northeast elementary, I was friends with pretty much only one girl. Tara. That's a story for another day, though. In the middle of third grade, my mom remarried (Rod...awesome guy. I love him to death.) and we moved about two hours away, to a little town by the name of Dysart. That place should be BURNED TO THE GROUND! Sorry...I really really didn't like it there. It was a town of only one thousand some people, I think. (That is probably an underestimate...but it was friggin small.) Since my brother and I weren't inbred like the rest of the kids, they automatically decided they didn't like us. I had only two friends, Shanna and Alicia, and they were constantly at each other's throats. I was caught in the middle, of course, and being the timid sheep I was I just tagged along. I have a funny story about Alicia...actually it's pretty sad. that is also for another day. Anyway...our peers made living in Dysart hell, and I blame them for my mental issues today. (kidding, kidding) Actually, they are the ones that helped me start to stand up for myself and say, "You know what? Screw you. I am who I am, and there isn't anything I will change for you." Well, obviously while I lived in Dysart Allie and I hardly talked since it was long distance, etc. etc. In fifth grade, the light finally shone through. Although it was because of a tragic even, my mom and Rod parting, we got to move back to Ankeny. We lived in a tiny two room apartment, where I slept in the front room. But hey, i was back where I belonged. This time I went to Terrace elementary, to finish off the second half of my fifth grade education. I was disappointed to find, however, allie and I didn't have so much in common anymore/she was busy a lot. So I became friends with Erin and Zach...yet ANOTHER interesting story. You know the drill. Another day.
Well, after fifth grade I went onto the middle school. Whoo! I was hot stuff then, I tell you what. teenager...sixth grader..I was on top of the whole world. Allie and I started to talk more, and she even introduced me to a couple people she knew. Like Luke. (Too many interesting stories..curses...) The mahor disappointment of that year was when she didn't invite me to her Halloween party. I didn't even know about it until my friend Leslie called to ask if I needed a ride...boy did I cry that night. She never gave me a straight answer as to why, other than I didn't know many people. that was cool, I bought it. no questions asked. I was still a sheep with low self-esteem. Step on me! thank you sir, may I please have another? Sorry, I keep getting off track.
Well, seventh grade was when I got THAT nickname. "Allie's Shadow". I followed her everywhere, everything she said i was eager to agree with. I needed friends. I had lost so many and was afraid of losing more, so I would do anything to please them. I sometimes wish I could still do that...but to no avail. I am not sure I would be happy that way anymore, either. I think after that year is when I started to change. Slowly, i was becoming more opinionated. More critical, logical, and self-assure like the friggin dickens. Hell, I still am. It was about that time the Allie and I started to have a few problems. More often than not they would involve boys, mostly what Allie was doing with them. No, NOT like that, I mean she would go after the wrong ones...at least in my opinion. And there were other things we often disagreed on, but we were the best of friends still. And even though I was getting more independant, I was still latching onto her for my life. I didn't have many friends still, and I wanted to keep what I did have. So when she started hanging out with Emma more, I got incredibly jealous. After awhile, though, I became Emma's friend too. We became a nice little trio, then later we added Casey and made a quartet. Something I began to notice was that it seemed Emma, and occaisionally Casey, would always go along with what Allie and said followed her every movement, like I had done. I didn't really think to much about it, except when I do stupidly expressed my opinion and everyone else was utterly against it...those were not fun times. As time progressed, allie and I grew closer and were always together. then...we weren't. it started off slowly, but was horribly speeded up when Allie's boyfriend of over 1 year broke up with her in a rather cruel and unusual fashion. I tried to be as supportive as I could manage, but once she started to REALLY lose herself over him and become obsessed, that was when I said enough is enough. I tried to tell her that she was only setting herself to be hurt again, and of course she brought up my ex-boyfriend Tyler ('nother story...oi..). I was coming across as unsupportive, i suppose, so I dropped it. Stopped talking to her about David, pretty much. I didn't want to make her angry again. Emma, of course, supported Allie's infatuation. I say good for her, friends should do that. I'm still sorry I couldn't...but I have to be honest.
Well, earlier this year we had a school "social", aka dance, as we always do. It was before David and Allie broke up, so they were off cuddling...emma and Ryan were cuddling...Casey and I were pretty much the only ones without dates, and I was in a bit of a funk that night. I decided to just go off by myself awhile to think, and they took that as I was sulking...Casey came to see what was the matter with me a couple times, but it was just one of those nights where I really missed my boyfriend, Jon, who lived in Tennessee (he still does, he just is no longer my boyfriend). Well, later I found out that my three "friends" were talking about me amongst themselves..saying that I liked to dig holes for myself, then try to drag others down into my hell. that hurt. And i would like to take a moment to say that I really don't like girls...they play to many games, and stab too many backs. Guys are so much better.
Anyway, the last real thing Allie and I did together was debate. We were a pretty good team, and got along while we were in it. Outside of debate and school, though, we never talked.
i will spare you the intimate (lol) details of this part, but Allie really started to treat me differently when our friend Brandon and I kissed. She was "disappointed" in both of us, because she trusted us to be alone together and I was still with Jon. A few weeks later, or thereabouts, Brandon and I were actually together. I was afraid to tell Allie, becaue I wasn't sure how she'd react. Plus, she was already practically ignoring me and never talked to me...so, Casey and Luke knew about it before she did. During WInter break I finally decided to tell her. She, Emma, and Casey came over to my house, and she informed me that if Brandon called she wasn't there. I must have had a look on my face, because she knew something was up. So...I told her. She stared at me like I was a demented lunatic. that felt GREAT. but I wasn't about to back down; it was my life, and I was happy. So, the rest of the night she walked aroud sulking and not talking to anyone. Brandon was coming over later that night with Troy, and when allie heard about that she suddenly had to go home. I'm sorry, she probably did have a real reason, it just looked suspicious.
Her treatment towards me got even worse after that. She rarely looked at me, didn't speak to me...all that jazz. it went on like that until last week.
I will also spare you the nit-picky details of this part, but basically I said something very immature and insensitive to Casey. She got offended, but she also knew that I have absolutely no tact. Within half an hour, she was over it and we were friends again. Until Allie and Emma heard about it. First, I got lectured by Emma. Basically, she told me (this was all on Wednesday, I believe) that I am not supportive enough, i am too mean to the three of them, I NEVER admit when I am wrong, i was being a bitch, I shouldn't have said that to Casey, and then signed it all LYLAS. Gee, thanks. I love you, let me bitch you out awhile. My brother actually found what she had sent me (she did this over AIM, while I was away), so he argued with her for awhile. that was a fun night...I talked to Casey a little later and apologized,and I thought everything was fine with us. Then she convinced me to talk to Emma, so she three-wayed her. Right away, she started in on my again. So I basically said, 'Wait a minute, how is this fair? Casey and I have already resolved this, and it's not your fight anyway." it went on like that..then I said, "So, let me get this straight. Allie can treat me like shit for a month and no one says a word to her, but when I slip up once you all pounce on me?!" Emma's answer was a simple, "I don't know." So I told her to think about it...and hung up. Not the best move on my part, but I was hurt and angry. Well, Friday night Allie started in on me. THAT hurt..she was supposed to be my best friend. Maybe I have a skewed version of what best friends are supposed to be, but...Allie told me basically what Emma had. I was horrible, unsupportive, etc. etc. It was very depressing, enough that I took all the sharp objects from my room. Cheery, no? That was the same night that I was to go to my friend Megan's house, and I didn't really feel like going anymore...I called my bestest bud Nick (he's like a lil bro to me) in tears, and he made me promise I wouldn't cry anymore that weekend. I broke that. Then I called my mom,and she begged that I go to Megan's party and have fun. I said okay, and she was right..it did get my mind off things, at least for a little bit. I decided Saturday when I got home that I would apologize to Allie for being bitchy, cynical, etc. Now I wish I hadn't.
Brandon asked me once if it ever hurt to trust people the way that I do. I answered, "Sometimes, but only when it comes back to slap me in the face." I think you know what's coming.
After I apologized to Allie, the first thing she said was, "fuck it, tory." I felt my very insides turn inside out. It's making me sick just thinking about it now. She proceeded to touch on the following topics, once again.
1) I wasn't supportive enough. She could only give me one example though, and that was DAvid. Yeah, I'll admit I wasn't. Then I pointed out that she wasn't supportive of Brandon and me, and she told me he had offered to end it if it would help, but she had said no because I was happy. BS.
2) I wasn't choosing "friends over boys", like I always said I would. Again, BS. Either Emma or Casey had told her that I was "making out" with Brandon while they were there, which wasn't true. I am not that kind of person. he was leaving, so I gave him a kiss. Casey and Emma weren't even in the room. I think they failed to tell Allie that Emma had been trying to get Brandon and I to make out all night long. Uh huh.
3) I wasn't interested in what she had to tell me. Everytime she was telling something to me, I would just sit there and nod. Um...that's what I do. When I told that to my brother and Luke (while simultaniously sobbing) they laughed. They know that's ahow I am; I'm not excited very easily, and when people tell me things I sit there and quietly listen, while nodding to let them know that I do hear them and that I am interested. Sorry.
4) I was too critical. She said the reason she wasn't talking to me was because everytime she told me something I would criticize her. Once again, the only example she had was David. But, I do admit, I can be critical. And i really am sorry for that. I just try to look out for people.
5) I never admitted when I was wrong. Okay..WHAT?! What the hell is apologizing? When I pointed that out, she said, "It's too late, it doesn't count now." Again, the only example she had was David, and I don't think my opinion was wrong on that one. and the worst thing is all three of them told me the same thing...which says two things. A) It's true or B) Instead of talking TO me about these problems, they were talking ABOUT me to each other. thanks, guys. You've shown me that there is now such thing as "best" friends.
there were many other things...many other hurtful things. And all the while, as she was saying all this, I tried to defend myself without attacking back. But it didn't work...basically, to sum up what she told me, she wanted someone nicer, more supportive...the way she was talking to me, it sounded like she was dumping a boyfriend. She told me she didn't want a friend like me. That plummeted me to the very bottom. that's when I called Luke over to cheer me up. My mom also told me something: "When one door closes, another opens." She's completely right.
With my brother's and Luke's help, I did realize I didn't need that. And while they were accusing me of being critical, they were doing the same thing...picking me apart. But something that made me feel better was what Brandon told me. that no matter what they said, I couldn't let it get me down. because there were still people who liked me for me (I love that boy ^_^).
Well, a couple days later it came to my attention that Emma, Casey, and Allie had told Nick that if I EVER wanted to be their friend again, I had "major butt-kissing" to do...my only reaction was basically, "If that's what it takes, I don't want it." It's still incredibly depressing, knowing I lost my best friend. But..I also realized I don't need and/or want that.
Two more parts to this lengthy tale and I will be done.
Since then, just about every day Emma has yelled at me for something else. Mostly because I am "flirting" with Nick, her boyfriend and one of my great friends. Ha! I treat the kid like I do my little brother; he's my buddy, and really helpful. I love him like he was my own flesh and blood. And no, I am not into incest. She even had Brandon "deliver" a message to me on AIM because she was afraid to give it to me herself...I felt sick after reading it. When I told my mom about it, she said I should be mad at Brandon for entertaining her motives and helping her hurt me like that...but obviously I didn't. I didn't think he really deserved it. Anyway...today I got fed up with Emma and told her a couple choice words, followed by, "Just leave me alone." It seems like every time I get closer to happiness they beat me down again..I can't take it much longer. that's why I don't like girls. Why would they want to be so cruel? Does it give them some sick power trip? I mean, hell, they already did enough to me, can't they be satisfied that they got rid of me and that I am leaving them alone and be done with it? I need more guy friends..
Basically, what I gathered from all of this, is that Allie needs someone more like Emma who will follow her obediently and be her "yeswoman". No offense to Emma, some people just need a leader. I was tired of that, and I like being my own person and having my own opinions better...Allie and I just clashed.d I understand her decision, and it's cool. her choice. Funny thing, though. The day before all of this drama happened, I had to write another poem for English, this time about being strong-willed. It applies to the situation now so much it's almost ironic.
You can't beat me down,
You can't change my mind.
You can't turn me around,
NOTHING about me will change for you.
I have an iron will,
I have the unavoidable urge to do what i think is right.
I have the power over my own destiny,
Only -I- can choose my path.
I am strong and brave,
I am kind and self-confident.
I AM worth while;
How DARE you tell me differently!
You told me I'm not good enough,
You told me I lied.
You told me there's no chance left, and you're right;
For when you realize your mistake, I'll be gone.
Nice, huh? Yeah..right. Anyway, I want to share one more thing before I leave. Me, Abbi, Carli, and Emily had to write a weird poem for English...the theme being an onomatopoeia. It's kind of cute.
Backwards Farm
I have a backwards farm you see,
Where everything's messed up.
"Quack, quack," says that yak,
As he irons his own hair.
"Beep, beep," goes the sheep,
While making me a pie.
"Meow, meow!" yells the cow,
Viewing football on TV.
"Splat!" sounds the cat,
As he...well, you don't want to know.
And me?
"Neigh, neigh," I say,
Whilst I plan my winter's hibernation.
Here on my backwards farm.
We even had a poster for it...and it had a beasty sheep on it made form like 15 cotton balls. Heh. Anyway...I have spent enough time on this, I bid you farewell.
Oreo